My heart is broken

Gunner has passed away. Those words cut like a knife. Gunner MacGyver - Lyerly's This Guns For Hire. Love of my life.

Gunner has had a fairly illness free life, he had a few Upper Respiratory infections and a bit of a skin issue in his wee early days.

We were blessed with 8 years and 3 months with him. In the beginning with Gunner it was a challenge, he was not the fat happy bulldog that would sleep. Oh no, he was 100mph sun up to sun down. He needed to be entertained. I took him to music appreciation classes, play dates, meetups, lunch at Bistro's, a few road trips and taught him how to order room service. He was my life. Being divorced wasn't lonely for me, Gunner was a constant companion that loved watching Hallmark Movies with me. He was not happy unless he was within zero space from you. He would lay on my lap and hold my hand. However, everyone wanted to be near Gunner so his Dad was never far from us, or anyone else who wanted to be around.

He was spoiled, no doubt. I like to say Well Loved. Anyone who spoke to me knew about Gunner and then eventually Maggie when she came to live with us. Gunner has more clothes than most humans. I can guarantee more know about Gunner than my personal life. I had a rule; to love me was to love him. We are a packaged deal. He had a Manny. A Male Nanny. All of our lives are shook right now.

His final days haunt me. these past two days I wake up screaming and crying. I miss going into the bathroom and closing the door most way and having him pop his head in as if to say "haha you can't keep me out" I never wanted to, I just liked the game of it. I remember when he was a about a year old he started coming to the back bathroom and poking his head in the walk in shower. He would stand there as if to say "whatcha doing"?

Gunner has his own 200 square foot room. He has his own furniture and this is his house, I just get to stay here. What do I do with this? I have had a few conversations with the Vet's he treated with and the surgeon after he passed away. None of this makes sense to me,  I will never come to grips with it.

About three months ago, Gunner and I had a talk. We discussed this upcoming summer of going to meet his girlfriend Cleopatra. We wanted to attend the Bully Bash so badly, but his paw was giving him some issue. He was a constant licker. I commissioned a grooms tuxedo for him and a bridal gown for Cleo; I planned to surprise everyone with a wedding. It was a little secret him and I worked on. He would watch me sketch and send the drawings. I started making him cuff links and corsages for the girls. He would pick out the fabrics we were looking at. He only liked certain fabrics so I wanted to make sure he liked it. Sadly he isn't going to be able to attend.

Gunner was not just a dog, he was my life. When I didn't want to get out of bed because I was sad, he was my reason. I never experienced depression, I was just hopeless. He changed my life in ways I cannot even tell you.

Every night I would read him a story and we would watch bulldog videos. He loved mail. His first Valentine was from a human sister of a bulldog (Collins). He loved it. He would sniff it all the time. Gunner was preceptive. If I put on makeup or a nice outfit he would come right over to me and sniff my neck. He was the first to notice a new hair cut. -- Go ahead think I am crazy... If I put lipstick on, he would nuzzle my neck. He loved perfume.

If he ever learned to talk, I would be up shits creek without a paddle. He knew EVERY single secret I had. My little man was my hero. He protected me when I needed it, he loved me when I needed it and he entertained me when I needed it.

I have so many memories of Gunner and I plan to write them as I am doing now. This is for me, and no one else.

xoxox G Mommy misses you.